I love my job. It's highly stressful, fast-paced and demanding but it's amazing. I'm working alongside people who are legends in their fields and I could listen to them talk all day and swap information and discuss the technical aspects of bringing creative visions to life. Sometimes I just sit there in silence trying to absorb everything, realizing that these are the moments I'm going to think about years from now when I'm an old bitter spinster talking about my golden years. I feel like a beta fish thrown into the ocean for sure, way out of my league and in far deeper waters than I've ever swam in before, but I've been treading okay so far. A few missteps, but nothing catastrophic, so all is well in that field.
Part of the problem is money, which is kind of hemorrhaging out of me. I'm making house payments on the house back in Texas and paying rent for my apartment in LA and paying the difference on my hotel room in Ohio that production doesn't cover. That's three living expenses at once, which is insanity. I also had to make the incredibly difficult decision to board Ouija. I didn't want to do it at ALL because the whole point of bringing him out here was to keep him with me and make sure he was safe and had me to socialize with and whatnot, but when we moved to this hotel they have a very strict no-pet policy and no amount of talking to the manager could help me. I couldn't stay at the original hotel because it was a piece of shit with no hot water, filthy conditions and etc, but also because Rob moved over here and wanted me to be close to him for working purposes. It's a LOT easier to walk down the hall to get him for something, or to rendezvous in the lobby and ride to work together, especially since we're sharing a rental car while we're here. So I found a reputable, very nice boarder nearby and they put up Ouija for the month. It hurts my heart and I am so fucking lonely and sad without him, but it had to be done and I know he's in good hands there. At least people are with him throughout the day and he isn't spending fifteen or sixteen hours by himself.
I'm also in such a weird headspace right now and I feel like I'm trapped in a corner in several aspects of my life. Victor makes me so happy and I'm really excited about our relationship, but sometimes I just get sad or take things the wrong way and it's hard for me to tell him why. I'm pretty experienced in being passive aggressive, but also in just tamping down hurt or disappointment and acting like it's no big deal when really my heart is hurting. We haven't talked nearly as much as I had hoped… or thought we would. Sometimes I've asked to Skype or talk and he just isn't in the mood or he's busy with something and of course I shouldn't take it personally but I do. I know he misses me but I guess a big part of my brain feels like if he really missed me that much, he'd be more persistent and he would be the one calling me or trying to Skype with me all the time or something. I don't know. It's likely my own insecurities, which have reared their heads big time lately. I'm surrounded by beautiful people, people in relationships, people on the prowl, everything in between. And I spend a lot of time in my hotel room by myself with too much time inside my own head.
I am painfully aware of my body right now and instead of seeing my weight loss, I am seeing the loose skin, the bulges, the curves where there shouldn't be, the sag to my breasts now. I have pretty much zero confidence at the moment. I've been slumping around set in sneakers and jeans and a shapeless hoodie, a beanie to cover my hair because my hair sucks right now. I want to shave my head maybe. I want to hurt myself sometimes. I want to hide and curl up in baggy shapeless clothes because I am not toned and tight and beautiful like these actresses, because I hear the crew talk about how hot the waitress is, because I see all of the pretty girls around me and I see myself in the mirror and I know the difference. It isn't like I'm on the make or trying to hook up with anyone. I just hate the fact that I am automatically, unquestioningly shoved into the 'friend zone' or worse. I am insecure and on shaky unsteady ice and I am trying to be good at my job so that people don't resent me for being around.
I used to think I was a good photographer until I started meeting these people. Now I don't know if I want to strive to become better or if I just want to sell all of my equipment and keep my head down. I used to think I was interesting until I heard some of the stories my new friends tell, and I realize that I am a sheltered, clueless girl from the south who has never even been out of the country, who has never had some of these experiences.
I just feel very fragile right now, china glass, and it's insanely weird to me that my friends keep telling me I'm 'brave' and 'strong' for coming out here. I'm not brave or strong. I'm total chickenshit. I just fell off the edge of the cliff before I could think to apply the brakes. I don't regret the choices I've made, but it's been a very rough and painful road for me the last few years and even though I love Los Angeles and my job and my boyfriend and the people around me now… I am still as delicate inside as sugar art.
Guess this solves the age-old question of whether you lose your 'fat girl' mentality even when you lose weight. I'm 205 pounds as of this morning, but I still feel as bad about myself as I did at 348. It's actually maybe even a little worse because now I'm "normal fat", I'm the kind of 'fat' that can shop in regular stores and fit in airline seats and squeeze three across in the backseat of a small car, but I still feel horrible and sub-human most of the time. I just found new ways to channel my insecurities and amplify them without a catalyst.
I am still the fat girl in the room even when I'm not.
So sick of myself right now.
Sounds like you need to sell the house here or get some renters in there stat. I know it’s hard to let go of home base but selling the house doesn’t mean you can’t come back to Texas if you want to.
ReplyDeleteIs there any possibility of driving Ouija to Texas to stay with friends by meeting someone (me?) halfway? It would probably save you oodles on boarding. My friend in the Navy frequently does this with her pets when she is on deployment.
Coming from someone with lots of long distance relationship experience it is really hard but you can make it work. Make a schedule of when you guys are going to talk or message but don’t make it too much. Consider anything outside of that time gravy. The relationship isn’t as deep when separated but you would want to keep tabs on what is happening in each other’s life.
My experience with intense projects is the vacuum they leave when you are not working is gapping. It is a struggle not to throw yourself at the void just to fill it. Many people who work with stuff like this say it’s just as important to come to terms with down time as it is to perform well during the period of work. It is probably a good idea to acknowledge how you’re feeling but equally important to know it will pass as long as you keep on keeping on.
These are all things you have already considered but I’m just trying to be helpful.