That being said, my emotional state isn't great right now. I am trying to throw myself into work, into being what other people need so that I can feel valuable and worthwhile. I like taking care of others, making sure they're happy. But I'm not really happy myself, not inside where it actually matters.
The holidays are always depressing and this marks the first full Christmas since my mom's death where it actually feels like things are sinking in. Last year it was too fresh and I was still sort of in shock. Now I really have time to appreciate every Hallmark commercial and every twinkling light. It's incredibly hard to be on set and unable to call her to tell her what's going on. It's painful doing something really cool and knowing she isn't there to see it or root for me or give me advice when I get into a messy situation. I know how much she loved Rob and his whole group, and I know how much she would've adored Thomas's laugh or brought Joe coffee or joked about how many "Tom"s we have on set.
We had a particularly stressful shooting day a few days ago and when I finally did go home, I felt completely hollowed out. I felt like nothing I could do was right, that my heart hurt, that my head was ringing. I wanted to curl up and die; I was embarrassed at my own fuckups and ashamed of my weakness in moments of panic and I was deeply aware of my ignorance. But I never once seriously thought about throwing in the towel or heading to the airport to fly back home. I could get a steady schedule of work somewhere like Target or a restaurant or even being the receptionist for some company, but I wouldn't be happy. I wouldn't be living my dream of being a part of the industry that's made me happy for so long; I wouldn't be hanging out with some of the coolest people I've ever met, helping bring something awesome to life, letting my creativity actually take root.
I'm surrounded by people but I'm kind of lonely. There are a few people on the film who I really connect with and who I consider friends, but I know that we'll most likely all go our separate ways after the film wraps and won't talk in the future. If we do, one or two times a year maybe. I hope not but I just kind of know how it goes, at least how it used to go with the bands I worked for. Can't imagine it's much different this way. I don't want it to be true though. I'm already really attached to these people and I will miss them a lot when we aren't hanging out on the daily.
I really just need an arm around me and a connection that won't dissolve. I'm really afraid of being alone and the holidays don't really make the fear much less tangible.
Victor and I broke up two days ago, which is still sort of sinking in. We've only been together since the middle of October so it was a two-month run, but it was a two-month run of seeing him almost daily and sharing a lot of intimate conversations and moments. However, he just wasn't right for me. I was trying to fit him into a mold that he wasn't made to fit, and there were so many places where our personalities just didn't come close to gelling as a cohesive unit. I love my freedom and being able to travel and be outgoing and exuberant and wander around aimlessly finding my own fun. He is in a rough place in his life right now where he's financially dependent and without a lot of ability to find his own feet without help, and it's very hard for me to reconcile that with my own lifestyle. Add to that the fact that we barely talked the entire month I've been on location; texting with him was slow and awkward, lackluster, and after a few weeks I came to the painful realization that I missed the idea of him more than the reality. Victor is an incredibly sweet guy and I wish him all the best, but he isn't going to be someone who can be with me in the long run. I am always running at 80 mph and it simply isn't a lifestyle he agrees with.
It still hurts though, ending it. It was nice having someone to care about who would cuddle me on cold nights and listen to me when I had a bad day. I was hoping things would work out with us, that we'd sort our differences out and make something really great happen instead of self-destruction, but it didn't work out that way.
I am desperately, wildly in love with my crazy job and my hectic lifestyle and my friends here, though. It is never a dull moment, and I have been lucky enough to fall in with some wonderful, beautiful, creative, talented people who always strive to better themselves and live their lives to the fullest.
My boss, of course… Rob is my big brother more than my boss, and I will always go to the mat for him. He's a mad genius whose mood swings and brainstorming sessions are downright exhausting, but watching him in his element keeps a shiteating grin on my face. That manic energy and frantic need to create, to bring his vision to life, is so inspiring and something I only wish I could realize on my own someday. Rob's very driven and he has a circle of loyal people around him who love him and respect him for his unique eye and abilities.
And Thomas, who is one of Rob's best friends and one of the most talented young men I've ever met. I've been a fan of his films for years but he's also a wildly accomplished musician, and he is the sweetest person with a heart of gold. From the minute I met him I knew we'd hit it off, but I had no idea we'd become such fast friends. We have so much in common and beyond that, we jive so well together when we're talking.
There's so many more, too… Megan, who is a makeup effects artist, is one of the toughest and most resilient women I know. I admire her so much for her strength and tenacity and ability to roll with the punches. Corey, who never fails to crack me up, is a fantastic guy who is just so easy to be around that it feels like you've known him for years. Andy, Ikuo, Erica, Liz, all of them are just these calming presences when I'm stressed out.
Honestly, it's true what you hear about film sets being family. You spend between twelve and fifteen hours a day with the same group of people and you begin to learn them. You know how they take their coffee and what brand of cigarette they smoke. You find out if they're a gossip or a wallflower, if they have been in the game forever or if they're green and shy and unsure of their footing. You develop bonds with some and learn to watch your back around others. Alliances and enemies come and go. You all exchange information and pretend that you'll keep in touch in the future, but really, most of you won't. You travel in the same circles and you may work together on a future gig, but the likelihood of remaining friends is probably similar to high school seniors who declare that they'll 'never lose touch' with their buddies when they move away to college.
Life goes on, love is transient. I believe that people are put in your life for a specific purpose, for a very specific length of time. They tell a chapter in your story; some of them are vignettes, others novellas, and others are masterworks. But in the end, they complete their arc and they leave the plot one way or another, be it by their own will or by fate or by death or some other factor beyond any earthly control. But they come into your life when you need them most to develop the story, and they leave when their purpose is done.
And if you're very, very lucky, when it's all over you have a book with a happy ending.
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