Today I weighed in at 276.1, which is pretty cool. 72 pounds down in four months. Can't really complain about that. I joked that I wanted to be 250 by Texas Frightmare Weekend, and in all honesty I'm not very far off, but I'm not going to make 250 in the next few days. Ah well, I look a lot better than I did this time last year.
Or so the scale says, anyway.
I still don't see it visually; when I look in the mirror I'm still grossed out by what I see and insecure about the flaws that, to me, are huge and glaring. I was trying on clothes this weekend with my best friend, the two of us sharing a dressing room, and I still turned my back to her while changing my shirt. I didn't want her to see my lumpy, misshapen stomach or the scars like vibrant purple hatchmarks across it. I'm losing weight in my arms and thighs but my calves are as huge as ever, making it impossible for me to wear any of the 'stiletto/skinny jean'-style capris. For some reason, whoever the hell is buying clothes for plus-sized store Torrid right now is smoking crack--- all of the summer line consists of halter tops and Daisy Duke shorts. The store carries up to 4X, but I don't know a lot of size 26-28 girls who want to be parading around in tiny shorts that barely cover the hemline of their panties. I have so much cellulite my legs look like pantyhose filled with marbles, and in no way do I want to strut that shit this summer. I'm pretty pale in general but my legs are paper-white thanks to never seeing the light of day; I hate wearing shorts even when it's in the firm triple digits in Texas. In elementary school, when I was just starting to get big, a girl named Jeanette told me that I looked like I didn't have any knees because my legs were so fat. At the time, I was playing softball and running a lot, so they were thick with muscle anyway, but they were one of the first places I started to gain weight. My mom, even at 400 pounds, had slender ankles and shapely calves. I have dumpy, thick legs. They're one of my least-favorite features about myself; I don't think I've ever seen a picture of myself in a dress or shorts or anything else and not cringed or tried to crop it to remove my legs. I'd rather be a disembodied torso in the photo than standing on these tree-trunk stalks of mine. Wide-calf boots aren't even usually big enough unless they have a stretch panel somewhere in them; this is also the reason I can't own cowboy boots even though I've wanted them since high school.
I'm in a bleak period right now because it's been almost a year since my mom and the ripple effect of her death is still hitting me hard. This weekend I'll be attending the annual horror convention in Dallas, Texas Frightmare, and this will be the first one I've ever gone to without my mom. She was friends with virtually everyone who goes and this year simply won't be the same without having her there. I spend my days in this house surrounded by memories of her, not just her tangible things but thinking about lying on the couch watching TV or climbing on her bed to tell her about my day, and it's rough. I come home and the only person waiting here for me is my cat, who while great company is a poor substitute. I miss her so much sometimes it hurts to breathe. I went on a bender for the last two days where all I did was lie on the couch eating sugar-free Popsicles and watching Disney movies. I just had to turn the real world off and live in the familiar for awhile.
I don't know how to shake this. It feels like my heart isn't in anything. From the outside my life is going fine--- I'm losing weight, I have incredible friends, I'm doing well in school (I got named Marketing Student of the Year at my college this week), I'm about to start working on a feature horror film, etc. But I am just so sad, and I'm sleepwalking through everything I'm doing.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Protein Bliss?
First off, this is going to sound like a product review, maybe because it is a little.
I cannot say enough good things about the company "Chike", which makes delicious protein shakes for bariatric patients. If you're drinking protein shakes for bulking up or getting muscle or something, these aren't gonna be what you want, but if you need a good source of easily-digested protein, Chike is your best bet in my opinion. They also have amazing customer service--- I bought their sample pack from their website and the next day a rep called me and was really nice about the whole thing. She wanted to know how I'd found out about them, which product I was most excited to try, etc. When I got the package and tried the French Vanilla shake, it was by far the creamiest and yummiest protein shake I'd tried yet. Same with the chocolate. I haven't tried the banana, orange dreamsicle or strawberry one yet, and I don't like coffee so I may pass on the mocha one. But the two I have were pretty delicious and they didn't have the weird chalky aftertaste that comes with most protein shakes. After a few days, the same rep actually called me back to verify that everything got here okay and ask how I liked the shakes, which was my favorite so far, etc! If I DO buy more protein powder in the future, I will be giving my business to "Chike"... they have been bar-none the best experience I've had since the surgery.
I had a 'day' today--- as most of you know if you follow the news, yesterday a fertilizer plant in West, Texas exploded and killed or injured a lot of people. My sister Heather is an EMT/firefighter and I was afraid that they would be sending her into the chaos to help; there were massive search and rescue efforts going on all night and most of today as well. The body count has been climbing as they find casualties, and everyone in the community has come together to donate supplies, blood, money and anything else to the almost-three-thousand people who were displaced or rendered homeless by this tragedy. It's all anyone's been talking about around here, so soon on the heels of the Boston Marathon tragedy, and it makes it hard to remain cheerful.
After screwing up a math test and tuning out most of my Business Law class, I headed off to run errands. I needed an eye exam because my contacts prescription had expired, so I made a beeline for the mall. There I ran into my old friend Anne and we talked while I picked out two new pair of frames. Then I went into Forever 21 to check out their plus-sized section. Much to my surprise they had plus-sized swimwear; even though their stuff is sized pretty small, it's amazing to me that they would even carry it. Most other stores don't, unless they're somewhere like WalMart. And the swimsuits are actually cute, and very affordable; most of the ones I looked at were around $25 each. I decided to try one on, knowing that a few times this summer I'll have access to a pool, and I wiggled into a strapless 2x with flamingos on it.
Me posting that photo is NOT me saying 'whoo, I love my body!' because good lord, I do not. But I was kind of happy about the fact that I could wear a 2X, not a 3X (and many were the times when I tried on a 3X in their plus-sized section and couldn't even wiggle that up over my hips). I got it on and more importantly, I looked cute in it. I didn't buy it, because my boobs kept falling out, but I was kind of excited that I could actually fit into it. That kind of thing alone is no easy task.
After a fairly triumphant day at the mall, I went to Drug Emporium. I have no idea why I don't go more often--- half of the store is health/alternative food and you always find something really cool! I bought a box of pasta made entirely of spinach (9g of protein per serving and almost no sugar at all!), a new kind of protein bar with no sugar, and a few other exciting things that I can't wait to try. Maybe the most stoke-worthy of them--- I found PROTEIN CEREAL.
Okay I know this means NOTHING to the people who haven't had weight loss surgery, but when you get it, they tell you that protein always comes first, then veggies, and carbs if you have any room left afterward. Which you NEVER do. And every time I try to take a bite of a hamburger or something, the bread makes me feel like I just ate Thanksgiving meal and I'm done a bite or two in. Ironically, I don't really miss bread--- it's kind of nice not eating carbs. I indulge every now and then in a few bites of spaghetti, but I'm certainly not going for the Neverending Pasta Bowl at Olive Garden ever again. Still, I do miss cereal. Breakfast for me, when I eat it, is usually a glass of my Mootopia or, if I'm starving, egg whites with turkey sausage crumbles and cheese mixed in. Most of the time it's just Mootopia though, or a piece of string cheese on my way out the door. Maybe Greek yogurt. The point is, I used to lay on the couch with a mixing bowl of Captain Crunch and watch a movie on lazy weekend mornings, and I MISS cereal.
So the idea that I could have cereal, and the cereal has like 9g of protein per serving, is more than okay with me.
Now there are two so far that I've met with this criteria; Kashi GoLean makes the claim that one serving of their cereal has as much protein as an egg in it. The new brand I bought, which is Kay's Natural Protein Cereal, comes in apple cinnamon and french vanilla flavors. At $5 a box, and running the risk that I'd hate it, I splurged and decided to try the apple cinnamon since I realllly miss Apple Jacks.
To my surprise it was really good! I mean, it's no Apple Jacks or Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but it's pretty tasty. The cinnamon covered up whatever weird proteiny aftertaste was inevitably going to happen. Plus, I ate it with Mootopia, which is 12g a serving, so really, in one teensy little bowl of cereal I got 21 grams of protein! Yay me!
Also, I had to go buy 'little kid' dishes so that I could manage portions better and stop dirtying a giant cup for a few swallows of drink. I went to Target and checked out that area they have in the front of stuff that's a dollar--- and nearly died. This is the set of little bowls I bought.
I keep posting reference photos because they're helping me keep track. So here's two face shots--- one is from the day I auditioned for Sacrament, back in December, and the second is from last Saturday when we had rehearsal. The wig's the same. Everything else is... not.
I cannot say enough good things about the company "Chike", which makes delicious protein shakes for bariatric patients. If you're drinking protein shakes for bulking up or getting muscle or something, these aren't gonna be what you want, but if you need a good source of easily-digested protein, Chike is your best bet in my opinion. They also have amazing customer service--- I bought their sample pack from their website and the next day a rep called me and was really nice about the whole thing. She wanted to know how I'd found out about them, which product I was most excited to try, etc. When I got the package and tried the French Vanilla shake, it was by far the creamiest and yummiest protein shake I'd tried yet. Same with the chocolate. I haven't tried the banana, orange dreamsicle or strawberry one yet, and I don't like coffee so I may pass on the mocha one. But the two I have were pretty delicious and they didn't have the weird chalky aftertaste that comes with most protein shakes. After a few days, the same rep actually called me back to verify that everything got here okay and ask how I liked the shakes, which was my favorite so far, etc! If I DO buy more protein powder in the future, I will be giving my business to "Chike"... they have been bar-none the best experience I've had since the surgery.
I had a 'day' today--- as most of you know if you follow the news, yesterday a fertilizer plant in West, Texas exploded and killed or injured a lot of people. My sister Heather is an EMT/firefighter and I was afraid that they would be sending her into the chaos to help; there were massive search and rescue efforts going on all night and most of today as well. The body count has been climbing as they find casualties, and everyone in the community has come together to donate supplies, blood, money and anything else to the almost-three-thousand people who were displaced or rendered homeless by this tragedy. It's all anyone's been talking about around here, so soon on the heels of the Boston Marathon tragedy, and it makes it hard to remain cheerful.
After screwing up a math test and tuning out most of my Business Law class, I headed off to run errands. I needed an eye exam because my contacts prescription had expired, so I made a beeline for the mall. There I ran into my old friend Anne and we talked while I picked out two new pair of frames. Then I went into Forever 21 to check out their plus-sized section. Much to my surprise they had plus-sized swimwear; even though their stuff is sized pretty small, it's amazing to me that they would even carry it. Most other stores don't, unless they're somewhere like WalMart. And the swimsuits are actually cute, and very affordable; most of the ones I looked at were around $25 each. I decided to try one on, knowing that a few times this summer I'll have access to a pool, and I wiggled into a strapless 2x with flamingos on it.
Me posting that photo is NOT me saying 'whoo, I love my body!' because good lord, I do not. But I was kind of happy about the fact that I could wear a 2X, not a 3X (and many were the times when I tried on a 3X in their plus-sized section and couldn't even wiggle that up over my hips). I got it on and more importantly, I looked cute in it. I didn't buy it, because my boobs kept falling out, but I was kind of excited that I could actually fit into it. That kind of thing alone is no easy task.
After a fairly triumphant day at the mall, I went to Drug Emporium. I have no idea why I don't go more often--- half of the store is health/alternative food and you always find something really cool! I bought a box of pasta made entirely of spinach (9g of protein per serving and almost no sugar at all!), a new kind of protein bar with no sugar, and a few other exciting things that I can't wait to try. Maybe the most stoke-worthy of them--- I found PROTEIN CEREAL.
Okay I know this means NOTHING to the people who haven't had weight loss surgery, but when you get it, they tell you that protein always comes first, then veggies, and carbs if you have any room left afterward. Which you NEVER do. And every time I try to take a bite of a hamburger or something, the bread makes me feel like I just ate Thanksgiving meal and I'm done a bite or two in. Ironically, I don't really miss bread--- it's kind of nice not eating carbs. I indulge every now and then in a few bites of spaghetti, but I'm certainly not going for the Neverending Pasta Bowl at Olive Garden ever again. Still, I do miss cereal. Breakfast for me, when I eat it, is usually a glass of my Mootopia or, if I'm starving, egg whites with turkey sausage crumbles and cheese mixed in. Most of the time it's just Mootopia though, or a piece of string cheese on my way out the door. Maybe Greek yogurt. The point is, I used to lay on the couch with a mixing bowl of Captain Crunch and watch a movie on lazy weekend mornings, and I MISS cereal.
So the idea that I could have cereal, and the cereal has like 9g of protein per serving, is more than okay with me.
Now there are two so far that I've met with this criteria; Kashi GoLean makes the claim that one serving of their cereal has as much protein as an egg in it. The new brand I bought, which is Kay's Natural Protein Cereal, comes in apple cinnamon and french vanilla flavors. At $5 a box, and running the risk that I'd hate it, I splurged and decided to try the apple cinnamon since I realllly miss Apple Jacks.
To my surprise it was really good! I mean, it's no Apple Jacks or Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but it's pretty tasty. The cinnamon covered up whatever weird proteiny aftertaste was inevitably going to happen. Plus, I ate it with Mootopia, which is 12g a serving, so really, in one teensy little bowl of cereal I got 21 grams of protein! Yay me!
Also, I had to go buy 'little kid' dishes so that I could manage portions better and stop dirtying a giant cup for a few swallows of drink. I went to Target and checked out that area they have in the front of stuff that's a dollar--- and nearly died. This is the set of little bowls I bought.
How amazing are they? I know. I'm still kind of in awe myself. I also bought the little plates that are divided up into sections so your food won't touch, and I am thinking about buying myself a bento box to take with me for when we start filming Sacrament. I know that craft services aren't exactly going to be friendly to my weird, wonky, specific little diet. A bento box is basically a way to eyeball your portions and food groups and keep track of what you're eating, but it also happens to be tiny, adorable Tupperware shaped like a panda. And I am totally on board for that.
I keep posting reference photos because they're helping me keep track. So here's two face shots--- one is from the day I auditioned for Sacrament, back in December, and the second is from last Saturday when we had rehearsal. The wig's the same. Everything else is... not.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Adjustments.
Sorry it's been so long since I've written anything... real life is kind of kicking my butt right now and I'm doing my best to stay ahead of it. It's been a crazy month since my last entry.
As of this morning, I am down exactly 70 pounds, which is pretty great since I'm four months out. My size 22 jeans from Lane Bryant were falling off me, so I moved down to a 20, and now I have to put those in the dryer on high before I wear them or they, too, are saggy and baggy. This weekend I borrowed a pair of sleep shorts from my best friend, who is about sixty pounds lighter than me, and they fit (I was pretty positive they wouldn't, remembering an embarrassing episode when I tried to borrow an ex-boyfriend's sweatpants in college in an attempt to be cute but they wouldn't go up higher than my thighs). But when I went to buy a new outfit for a friend's birthday party, I was still trying on the same sizes I always have and clothes were still fitting me strangely. I don't notice a difference in my body but my friends say that they do. My two biggest 'non-scale victories' have been being able to wrap one hand completely around the opposite wrist, and being able to feel/see my collarbones when I turn my head. I haven't seen my actual collarbones probably since middle school.
However, I am still having major self esteem problems. I still don't like myself very much and I don't think that I'm beautiful by any means. I am currently working on a feature film that's shooting this summer and I am really insecure about it; I don't want to see myself on camera because the whole time I will be thinking about how fat I still am as well as comparing my acting skills to those of everyone else in the film. They are all immensely talented and good-looking and at this point I have days where I wonder what the hell I was even thinking when I auditioned. I have very little faith in my own abilities and I hate that I'm like this. I wish I could celebrate 70 pounds down instead of thinking about the other 70 I want to lose.
One of the strange things is that food is usually one of the last things on my mind now, which is weird because you really don't know what to do with yourself. It's a social gathering; my friends get together for bonding, for celebration, for commiseration. We use food to communicate. Without that method of communication available to me I feel adrift. Even when I was dating, a 'dinner date' was both pointless and irritating on my end; it usually consisted of me picking at a kid's menu item, eating less than half of it and feeling unsatisfied by the heavy, greasy food while my date relished theirs. The things I always loved don't taste good to me anymore; things that were sweet are now cloying, things that were greasy and savory now make me sick or taste horrendous. I've been craving different things every day but they so rarely live up to the expectations of what I want them to taste like. I made spaghetti today, which was really delicious but I could only have a few forkfuls. I have been eating Doritos one at a time because I'm craving salty food. I found a protein shake that doesn't make me want to kick kittens (Chike, and it's pretty yummy if you ignore the blatant 'this is good for you' aftertaste/smell). I just don't want food. It's a means to an end with me, something to keep me from getting dizzy or feeling shitty. I eat just enough to make the hollow feeling go away. There've been a few weekends where I only ate maybe 200 calories total over the course of a few days. Man cannot live on skim string cheese alone but I am trying some days.
Still, the surgery really hasn't complicated my life. It's just changed the way I think about food, and I am trying so hard not to be judgmental about anyone but damn it's hard to look at food at a restaurant/fast food place when you can't have it anymore. You eat three bites of food and are full and then you see the giant platter-sized serving of enchiladas someone is eating, or the huge slab of cake that they got for dessert that you can't have, and you just get kind of 'meh' about the whole thing. I'm not bitter or jealous--- at best I'm sort of wistful. My friends got Griff's the other day, this amazing local burger joint that makes super-delicious greasy diner fare, and I didn't really want it, but I did think about offering to lick their hands clean after they handled the fries. If we could just install a salt lick for me that'd be terrific.
For reference, here are my status photos.
As of this morning, I am down exactly 70 pounds, which is pretty great since I'm four months out. My size 22 jeans from Lane Bryant were falling off me, so I moved down to a 20, and now I have to put those in the dryer on high before I wear them or they, too, are saggy and baggy. This weekend I borrowed a pair of sleep shorts from my best friend, who is about sixty pounds lighter than me, and they fit (I was pretty positive they wouldn't, remembering an embarrassing episode when I tried to borrow an ex-boyfriend's sweatpants in college in an attempt to be cute but they wouldn't go up higher than my thighs). But when I went to buy a new outfit for a friend's birthday party, I was still trying on the same sizes I always have and clothes were still fitting me strangely. I don't notice a difference in my body but my friends say that they do. My two biggest 'non-scale victories' have been being able to wrap one hand completely around the opposite wrist, and being able to feel/see my collarbones when I turn my head. I haven't seen my actual collarbones probably since middle school.
However, I am still having major self esteem problems. I still don't like myself very much and I don't think that I'm beautiful by any means. I am currently working on a feature film that's shooting this summer and I am really insecure about it; I don't want to see myself on camera because the whole time I will be thinking about how fat I still am as well as comparing my acting skills to those of everyone else in the film. They are all immensely talented and good-looking and at this point I have days where I wonder what the hell I was even thinking when I auditioned. I have very little faith in my own abilities and I hate that I'm like this. I wish I could celebrate 70 pounds down instead of thinking about the other 70 I want to lose.
One of the strange things is that food is usually one of the last things on my mind now, which is weird because you really don't know what to do with yourself. It's a social gathering; my friends get together for bonding, for celebration, for commiseration. We use food to communicate. Without that method of communication available to me I feel adrift. Even when I was dating, a 'dinner date' was both pointless and irritating on my end; it usually consisted of me picking at a kid's menu item, eating less than half of it and feeling unsatisfied by the heavy, greasy food while my date relished theirs. The things I always loved don't taste good to me anymore; things that were sweet are now cloying, things that were greasy and savory now make me sick or taste horrendous. I've been craving different things every day but they so rarely live up to the expectations of what I want them to taste like. I made spaghetti today, which was really delicious but I could only have a few forkfuls. I have been eating Doritos one at a time because I'm craving salty food. I found a protein shake that doesn't make me want to kick kittens (Chike, and it's pretty yummy if you ignore the blatant 'this is good for you' aftertaste/smell). I just don't want food. It's a means to an end with me, something to keep me from getting dizzy or feeling shitty. I eat just enough to make the hollow feeling go away. There've been a few weekends where I only ate maybe 200 calories total over the course of a few days. Man cannot live on skim string cheese alone but I am trying some days.
Still, the surgery really hasn't complicated my life. It's just changed the way I think about food, and I am trying so hard not to be judgmental about anyone but damn it's hard to look at food at a restaurant/fast food place when you can't have it anymore. You eat three bites of food and are full and then you see the giant platter-sized serving of enchiladas someone is eating, or the huge slab of cake that they got for dessert that you can't have, and you just get kind of 'meh' about the whole thing. I'm not bitter or jealous--- at best I'm sort of wistful. My friends got Griff's the other day, this amazing local burger joint that makes super-delicious greasy diner fare, and I didn't really want it, but I did think about offering to lick their hands clean after they handled the fries. If we could just install a salt lick for me that'd be terrific.
For reference, here are my status photos.
This was me in October 2012, with my gorgeous friend Stephanie.
And here I am in March 2013, with my amazing friend Eva.
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