My birthday was on June 2, upon which day I turned 27. Whereas ordinarily I would've been with my family going out to dinner or something, I was instead on the set of our movie, filming and trying not to get the back of my neck sunburned in the blistering Texas heat. The cast and crew surprised me with macaroons and cupcakes and sang to me in the front lawn of the apartment building where we were shooting, and I was incredibly touched. In the months since casting for the film was complete, we've become very close, much more like a family than just co-workers. They are all wonderful people and I'm so honored to share the screen with them.
The following Sunday was my actual birthday party, in which I rented a big venue called The Quixotic World in Dallas and hosted a monster-themed party. I dressed as a slightly-more-goth version of The Phantom of the Opera, and imagine my delight when two awesome things happened to me! One was that I was able to buy a pair of fishnets in a 1X; all of my other tights from Torrid are 3X/4X and this time the smallest size hosiery they carry fit me just fine. The second victory was that the knee-high buckle pirate boots I've relied on for years for costuming were
too big. I asked my best friend to tighten the buckles and she did, but they still slouched around my ankles. My calves had shrunk enough that the boots were too generous to stay in place!
I wore a Little Black Dress (well, not
too little, but a damn sight smaller than it used to be!) and stayed on my feet for five straight hours, danced my ass off, and felt
wonderful. I had convinced my friends to make healthier snack options, so we had a meat and cheese tray full of delicious protein, fresh guacamole, hummus, and other tasty offerings. I didn't even eat a bite of my own cake, which I hear was amazing--- lemon velvet. It was definitely beautiful, though. My decorator did an amazing job.
After the party, my dear friend Sarah (who is visiting from Iowa for my birthday!) and I went to the illustrious Hotel Nylo. I desperately want to do a photo shoot there; the place is gorgeous and so lush, and all of the decor was right up my alley. That may also have been the most comfortable bed I've ever laid in!
The highlight of this for me was sitting in one of those egg-shaped chairs that suspend from the ceiling on a chain. Before my surgery I would've never had the bravery to do that; I would've been paranoid that the chair wouldn't support me, or sure that I wasn't going to fit in the chair itself. Instead, it was not only a super-easy fit, but it was so fucking cozy that I hung out there for an hour while I made a phone call. And I
crossed my legs while sitting--- I was just telling my best friend Shawn that it was hard for other people to understand, but it's hard for big girls to 'sit like a lady' because our thighs are too big to let us cross our legs comfortably. I have had difficulty with that for many years, and if I sit Indian-style or any such thing, my circulation would go very quickly and make my legs fall asleep. It made contorting or sitting on the floor a painful ordeal, but one that I always accepted as 'well, that's the way it is'. No more! I can not only cross my legs while sitting but I really enjoy it.
I have been enjoying my body, even though by all rights and standards I'm still morbidly obese. I'm 248 (my body has kind of stalled around this 100-pound mark but I'm not sweating it). I've been wearing kicky dresses and shorts for a few weeks now, and even more than that, I bought a
miniskirt at Torrid!
I even had fun trying on ridiculous shoes that I could've never even stood in without pain before.
Before that, I spent a week in Boston whale-watching and hanging out with the cast and crew of
Holliston and
Hatchet, two of my favorite things in the horror genre. I got to spend time with people I admire a hell of a lot, and of course I couldn't resist comparing a picture of me with director Adam Green from their DVD launch in October 2012 to a picture from the benefit in June 2013... I'm 100 pounds lighter, and it honestly looks like I lost a whole persons' worth of width. The "Shinpads" shirt I'm wearing in the left is a 2XL, and the shirt on the right is a Large.
I am genuinely beginning to feel confident and beautiful. I know that I still have a long road ahead of me, but I am more grateful than ever that I took the initiative to have the procedure and that weight-loss surgery worked for me. The idea that someday I might feel comfortable in my own skin is an alien one, but one I'm coming to terms with more and more each day. Yesterday I went to Forever21's plus-sized section and bought a swimsuit. We're having a cast party next weekend, a cookout and little pool party, and everyone will be in their swimsuits. Ordinarily I would've found a ruffled tankini and still worn bike shorts or something over it to spare everyone seeing what's going on with my body. This time, I will proudly be rocking the flamingo swimsuit I posted about earlier.
It's summer, and what do I have to hide from? Even when I was at my biggest, what did I have to hide from? Other people? Screw other people. Society? Fuck their standards. The beauty paradigm should be internal--- everyone should feel beautiful and liberated and free.
I'm not there, but I'm getting there.
