A cautionary tale.

I feel like this is a very important point that people don't address. I'm a member of several WLS (weight loss surgery) support groups, and all of them are full of 'newbies' or people considering the surgery who get conflicting information from different sources. So I thought this might be helpful.

Here's an idea of what my life is like now, post-surgery.

First off, my surgery center was great. Barker Bariatric Center in Dallas, Texas. I had Dr. Charlotte Hodges do my surgery and she was absolutely wonderful. However.

I noticed that once I said I would self-pay and didn't need to finance my surgery out, I'd be paying for it all in one go, the clinic's attention suddenly got much more laser-focused on me. I wasn't a 'possible' candidate anymore, I was a sure paycheck. They hurried me into the next available pre-surgery support meeting and booked my surgery date on my first consultation visit. Since I didn't have to wait for insurance to clear, there were no pre-emptive psychiatric consultations, no pre-surgery diet requirements except for a two-week liquid diet to shrink my liver, and only the basic physical exams done (a stress test/EKG to make sure my heart was normal, and a blood panel to check my levels). From my first visit to inquire about the surgery to my actual surgery was less than a month's time.

After my surgery, I attended two post-op follow-ups and support meetings, but they were in Dallas and it was a two-hour commute each way for me. I called to cancel my participation in the third meeting and said I'd reschedule. Cut to 16-months post-surgery and I haven't heard from the clinic since. No follow-up calls, no "Hey, just checking in to see how your surgery's going!", no "can you come in for a blood panel so that we can check your levels?". Absolutely no follow-up. I've been on my own, without support, since that second post-op meeting, which was basically half therapy session and half a drug rep coming in to pitch vitamins and protein shakes and try to sell them with a kickback to the clinic.

Initially, I was on a very restricted diet and I was terrified of fucking it up so I didn't deviate at all. I counted protein grams like my life depended on it, drank a protein shake every day, ordered expensive supplements from various companies to try and find something I liked. I choked down my vitamins even though they upset my stomach. I was a member of a gym and worked out as hard as I could trying to tone up.

Cut to--- 16 months out.

I can literally eat almost anything I want.

I still have portion restrictions, of course, but there are 'cheat codes' for that. Just eat slower and space it out. By 'grazing', I've managed to overeat plenty of times.

Also, some people 'dump' if they eat something too full of sugar or carbs. They get feverish or sweaty or nauseous or something similar. I don't. I also see other people who don't who say "Oh god, I WISH I dumped." No. Because that's like wishing for an eating disorder. If you say "If I threw up every time I ate a piece of bread that'd teach me!" then you aren't addressing the real issue, which is that you still want the bread.

Most of obesity comes from one of two things; genetics (WAY more rare than people claim. I come from a fat family for generations, sure, but we also thought Kraft mac 'n cheese and deep-fried fish sticks was a 'balanced meal'. Everyone says they are 'big boned' or that they have a 'medical condition' that keeps them from losing weight and while this may be true in some cases, in most the person is simply sedentary with a bad diet and no motivation) or lifestyle. Mine was definitely lifestyle, with a healthy dash of psychological thrown in.

I feel good because I've lost weight. I've gone from 349 pounds and a size 24 to about 200 pounds and a size 10/12. It's nice being able to look at 'normal' clothing stores, or know that if I go to a concert or a convention or something, they WILL have a t-shirt in my size (often the fitted girly-cut shirts these days too, not just men's shirts in an XXL). I wear high heels without pain, my ankles don't roll anymore when I walk long distances, I have energy, I can cross my legs when I sit down. I can sit Indian-style in my seat at the movie theater. I can borrow clothes from my best friend if I sleep over or we're going out.  These are all AWESOME things.

But I have also 'cheated' so much that I'm pretty much completely off the bandwagon. All the things they say you 'can't' do, I do.

I can eat carbs. Pasta, doughnuts, bread, etc. you name it. It isn't how it used to be, of course; I can't eat a dozen doughnut holes for breakfast, or a mixing bowl of Captain Crunch, or a box of mac and cheese. But I do order lo mein, make ramen, and share fettucine with my friends if I go out.

I can eat fried food. I eat pizza (thin crust only, but still), fried jalapeño poppers, french fries, cheesesticks, etc. If we go out to a bar and get an app sampler, I can nibble on everything there without a problem.

I can eat fast food. I don't get the big combo meals anymore, of course, but I can eat a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger from Wendy's (I take the top bun off, that's too much bread), or a 4-piece chicken nugget, or a small order of waffle fries. I love to get a single Doritos Locos taco from Taco Bell. I can have about 1/2 a grilled cheese from Five Guys, or 1/4 an order of animal-style fries from N-and-Out.

I can drink booze. Oh man, can I drink booze. The surgery has done some interesting things to my body. Pre-surgery, I could drink a fifth of Crown Royal and be functional-drunk. Now, two shots and I am toast. But I also metabolize everything faster, so about an hour after those two shots I'm ready for a third. I can nurse a cranberry-vodka cocktail with my bestie in a bar. I also don't get hangovers so this is a dangerous thing. I can even drink the 'fizzy' stuff like champagne if I sip it and don't rush myself.

I can drink soda. I actually love the sparkly feel of a soda every few days. I try to drink diet or 'zero' sodas but I know deep-down they're just as bad for me. I'll usually get one and just nurse it for awhile, I don't pound them back like I used to.

I don't take my vitamins religiously. In fact, I take them about once a week. I feel fine. I have energy, I don't have any problems with that kind of thing. I just hate taking them and I forget more than I remember. So far, I haven't had any issues with this except for last May when I was about five months out from surgery and I contracted scurvy. It wasn't just a vitamin deficiency though, I was actually insanely sick and unable to keep anything down, not even water. The scurvy was just a result of a bigger problem with that, which resolved itself shortly after. Since then I've had no issues.

The problem is what I can't eat. I can't eat a lot of fruit. I can eat grapes, bananas and strawberries without a problem, but too much fruit actually makes me feel dizzy from the sugar content. I can't eat many veggies; sometimes I just want a big crunchy salad but after a few bites it's too much, my stomach's full of the roughage. I can't eat more than a few bites of rice, for whatever reason, although I do just fine with California rolls at the sushi place by my house. I can't eat anything overly-greasy, like some Asian takeout or a big piece of street pizza. The last time I tried pad Thai I ended up puking for like 2 hours. When I went to Universal Studios, I had a few bites of a hot dog and thought I might die. But those are the only real 'problems' I've had.

Therefore, people who are considering this surgery just need to realize that the surgery isn't a magical spell that makes you WHOOSH drop a ton of weight and keep it off forever no matter what happens. Your mileage may vary. Some people lose every pound they wanted, some people only lose a few. Some people puke when they look at 'bad' foods afterward, and some, like me, can go right back to all of their bad habits if they aren't careful.

I try to combat my cravings. I eat a lot of celery sticks with low-fat peanut butter, and drink a lot of fruity teas. I try to fill myself up on 'good' things but it doesn't always work. I monitor my drinking and keep it to 1-2 nights a week at the most. I walk anywhere within a couple of miles of my apartment because I live in an awesome neighborhood for pedestrians and I figure if I am walking three or four miles round-trip then I can treat myself to a small order of fries once in awhile.

Everyone just needs to realize that there is no magic wand to make this kind of thing successful, failure is a very real possibility and a real option. It's a mental game. I have to make choices, I have to convince myself that I don't want those delicious foods that I know I can handle. I have to pretend that those foods will make me sick or make me vomit or make me faint even though I know that isn't the case. Mind over matter and sometimes it doesn't work. Sometimes I have really bad days, and sometimes I have really great days where I congratulate myself on being such a badass and sticking to my diet.

The point being… weight loss surgery is a complicated fucking thing, and I've heard a few people mumbling about how I "took the easy way out". Listen, bitches. I'm still fat. I still eat when I'm depressed, I still feel guilty over my food choices when I make bad ones, and I still try to 'sneak' food. I'm like a fucking alcoholic sometimes-- friends and I order delivery and I'm going into the kitchen trying to pretend like I'm getting a glass of water when meanwhile I'm sneaking a few extra bites of food from the containers we've already put away in the fridge. I'm still guilty of my own bad habits and I acknowledge that this is a long, complicated, fucked-up road I'm on. I have to love myself before I can take care of myself, and that's a whole issue in itself. But I am trying, and making baby steps in the right direction. And maybe someday soon, I won't have to rely on food as a way to make myself feel better about every little stumbling block I run into.